Sometimes we write because we are inspired. Whether it be love, happiness, or a random act of kindness. Filling the world with positivity light and laughter.
The writing that people shy away from talking about is the writing to let the hurt out. To let out the anxiety that we drown in internally that incites horrifying nightmares and causes tears while trying to go to sleep. To try to quiet our minds from the seemingly never ending barrage of thoughts that consume every bit of your energy. Although we may momentarily feel relieved to FINALLY have "said" in some way that very thing that has been eating at us, it is usually followed by guilt. Such immense guilt that it is physically sickening. How can we write things, even if they are true to us, to someone we love so deeply? It does not mean that such letters are nasty, contains name calling, or malicious in content, but words still hurt even if you try to say them in the nicest way possible.
I pray to God every night that he will help heal my wounds. That I can be the Wife that he deserves, and the best Mom I can be. This is the life I have always dreamed of, an amazing Godly man for a Husband, and 4 very beautiful children.
Yet, here I sit by myself wondering how I am messing this whole thing up. I am so scared that I will be like "her" when I have a little emotional break, and that he will shy away from me. That he will tell me everything is Ok, when it is indeed not Ok. That he will think "Wow, I was wrong about her, she is not who I thought she was".
Now I have not been shy about being an emotional being, my face cannot hide ANYTHING, but sometimes I have a hard time keeping that emotion down. I am not saying that we should not express our feelings, but I think that I need to not be as emotional with him. Just suck it up, tell myself it's ok and just push it down. There is no need to get worked up over stuff. There are worse things in life than feelings, you know Physical things. Sickness, Cancer, terrible hair cuts, botched dye job, pencil thin eyebrows... I could go on.
We are emotional beings yes, but we cannot let it control us. I read an article once about "Training yourself to stop over thinking" and it essentially said that the Brain is a muscle, and you have to train it to stop thinking the thoughts, whether valid or invalid, as they pop up.
Those of us with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Paranoid (along with others) sometimes have a very hard time doing such a thing. That is why it takes practice, and practice I will. I cannot guarantee anything, but I will try. I need to find an outlet for my frustration, I am usually one who needs a physical release like Pain and it could be exercising to the point of exhaustion, beating a punching bag, chewing the skin of my nails until they bleed or... other ways that I have had in the past (no not self harming). If I were to go that route, it would be all the time, my need of physical release for Pain is far too often for it to be effective anymore.
I feel that writing is OKAY, but not exactly my favorite as it usually leads to (read second paragraph) guilt. I cannot tell you how many times I write then delete the entire thing, only to re-write it over and over until I get enough courage to, at minimum, save it as a draft. This entry may never even make it to me clicking the "Publish" button, and if it does, know it took me fighting a metric ton of anxiety, fear and paranoia to do it.
-A
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